Hello out there.
I miss LJ. I hate that social media always has to move onto something new, when this was the best platform I'd used for not only sharing, but seeing others.
Not that I'll start using it again. I mainly showed up here to look for something hidden away in my private posts, but it makes me miss the old days of interaction.
I'm still trying to be a writer.
Stay tuned. And be really patient.
Just a reminder that I'm not blogging here, and rarely remember to look at it anymore.
I'm over at tmthomas.com now.
I get a lot of bot comments but nothing real. Please visit and encourage me to write more.
He looks down. In a couple of different ways.
He’s tall and runner lean. A stereotypical fleece vest over a checked shirt over khakis. All yuppie branded. He’s probably almost a foot taller than me, making him at least six foot five.
His face doesn’t hold much in the way of secrets. There’s some flash of brief familiarity. A patient, a client, maybe his gardener. I can guess those are what cross his mind. I’m wearing a shirt with buttons today, so the choices are more upscale than usual. Not of greeting or recognition. Just the taking of basic notice. A hairy little man barely worth his notice.
He just looks in response to my hello. Maybe a curt nod in there, between looking at me, swiping his bank card and taking his receipt from the kid behind the register. Not worth his time.
I try not to get mad about it. It stings, though. I keep trying very hard to fight those instincts. A temper is a bad thing.
He’s looking at a paint smudge on the side of his white luxury SUV as I leave the store. He doesn’t see me.
He doesn’t see that the angle where he’s standing leaves him out of sight of the store and most of the road. Bad things could happen in that space. I learned spaces and angles and sightlines before I left my mother’s little warren. He doesn’t see that his only escape, if someone charges, is into the decorative woodlot landscaping. His runner’s build and stamina will be useless among the dense trees and exposed roots. His height will mean nothing when surrounded by evergreens that are a natural curtain. Such places were meant for the short and sturdy, with hair looking like pine needles and years of playing with the rest of the litter in the woods.
I put my two twelve packs of soda into the car, watching him curse silently under his breath. It’s yellow paint on his car, but there are probably ten yellow cars in the lot, all in other rows. My guess would be the Cavalier where the woman is watching him in the mirror, about two rows away. But he doesn’t see that. He doesn’t see a lot of what’s around him.
I wonder if the LL Bean fleece means he’d be able to follow a path in the woods, or if he’d get turned around and lost. The shiny tasseled loafers tend to make me think the latter.
He wouldn’t see it. Smug and superior, looking down on the world. I’d guarantee he’d run for the trees instead of trying to get to a populated area. The sort that thinks he can handle anything, because he has success in his world. His height wouldn’t matter once he was on the ground. Probably not even if he was standing. His glasses would go first. Maybe his eyeballs with them. Depends on how much he looked down on me, mixed with his fear. Would he call me names or finally stand to fight?
Not that it mattered. Just idle speculation. Just because my teeth are sharp enough to shave with and I know which arteries bleed out the fastest, I’m not an animal or a monster to be looked down upon. I control my temper and instincts. It’s how I can leave the warrens and spend time among men.
The woman in the yellow car goes into the store. She looks back once at him, half hidden by his car as she walks, before she disappears into the slightly clanky automatic door.
Just me and him. I could chase him. Enjoy the hunt. Enjoy the feeling of knowing that he judges me on my look. I’m shorter and heavier. I’m not styled and stylish. I could bite out his throat, although that’s not meaty. Better to take out the carotid and get something in the bite worth chewing.
But I’m not a monster. I’m not a creature of instinct that has to be aggressive just because something challenges me. I’m not some street thug that sees disrespect in every glance.
So instead I just stick to the edges of the lot, enjoying a little pine cone soccer as I walk over, dribbling it foot to foot as I walk.
“Hello,” I say. “Need some help?”
He looks down again. Shrugs and turns away, with a wave of his hand telling me to go away. “Get lost, bum,” he mutters.
“Okay,” I say. I turn and walk away.
After shoving the corpse into the driver’s seat. Even a tame dog bites if you treat it bad, I guess.
I just cancelled my paid LJ account. But really, it's not you...it's me.
I'm rarely checking in and ever more rarely writing anything. The sense of community that I used to feel here doesn't hold up when most people I connected with have left. But more so, I am struggling with the continual issues that come from the dream of being a writer and the reality of repeated rejection. I know to keep it up, etc, etc., but the pressures on my time are cutting into the extraneous things, like interacting with the voices that come from outside my head.
It's also the money. $20 is nothing, really, until you're involved in a big kerfluffle with your student loan company about who screwed up paperwork when, which results in big debits from a small account. I'd basically knife you and/or eat your face, bath salts style, for $20 right now. I wish the writing thing had worked out faster so I'd have that income stream, or the name recognition to try a kickstarter or something to fund a project.
So that's the update from here. Not really doom and gloom, but just a need to refocus.
It's been slow of late in the writing world, so I haven't had a lost to post. LJ has also drifted from the "sites I check regularly" because it seems so few regular posters are still using it. I probably ought to consider if I'll keep paying if the trend continues. I'd really like to set up a wordpress blog on my personal website, with RSS feed capability and magic updates and...okay, maybe I made that last part up. But the time to learn it all in order to do it myself eludes me.
I've been on a family vacation for two weeks. I'll have something to say soon, although it's likely to be the usual blather.